Wednesday, October 5, 2022

On The Origin Of The Onion Brief

It's Not Theirs, It's Mine (2017)
Do you have a copy of the brief in the case where a citizen journalist made fun of police officers in an onion-style writing?

He was charged with a crime, and his case has made its way to the Supremes.

The case that has been appealed to the Supremes came from the US Court of Appeals For The Sixth Circuit.

The Onion filed an Amicus Curiae (interested party) brief asking the Supremes to grant relief to the comedian journalist.

Dredd Blogs's copy of the Onion Brief came from the United States Supreme Court website.

That is the origin of this excerpt from it:


The Onion is the world’s leading news publication,
offering highly acclaimed, universally revered cover-
age of breaking national, international, and local news
events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print
newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily read-
ership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most
powerful and influential organization in human his-

In addition to maintaining a towering standard of
excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires,
The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-
time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus
and manual labor camps stationed around the world,
and members of its editorial board have served with
distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as
China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union.
On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns
and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic
shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on
matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly
conducts tests on millions of animals daily.

The Onion’s keen, fact-driven reportage has been
cited favorably by one or more local courts, as well as
Iran and the Chinese state-run media. Along the way,
The Onion’s journalists have garnered a sterling repu-
tation for accurately forecasting future events. One
such coup was The Onion’s scoop revealing that a for-
mer president kept nuclear secrets strewn around his
beach home’s basement three years before it even hap-

The Onion files this brief to protect its continued
ability to create fiction that may ultimately merge into
reality. As the globe’s premier parodists, The Onion’s
writers also have a self-serving interest in preventing
political authorities from imprisoning humorists. This
brief is submitted in the interest of at least mitigating
their future punishment.

2 See Mar-a-Lago Assistant Manager Wondering if Anyone
Coming to Collect Nuclear Briefcase from Lost and Found, The
Onion, Mar. 27, 2017,

(Novak v City of Parma, No. 22-293, emphasis added). Another onion of a brief was given to Justice Thomas, urging him to rule that the United States Court of Appeals For The Eleventh Circuit has no jurisdiction over Florida (The appeal voices the wants of The Donald that "his" papers be kept sacrosanct lest Clarence's wife Jenny's activities at the club be made pubic).

Rumors are that The Donald now wants to hire The Onion's lawyers because they don't do fake news.

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