Translating the News

Report: US finds mineral riches in Afghanistan (AP)

Translation: Here’s something to get the public’s attention off the gulf oil spill.

WASHINGTON — A team of U.S. geologists and Pentagon officials has discovered vast mineral wealth in Afghanistan, conceivably enough to turn the scarred and impoverished country into one of the world's most lucrative mining centers, The New York Times reports.

Translation: After bombing the sh*t out of this third world hell hole for the past seven years for spurious, if not totally fabricated reasons, we’ve finally found a reason for Americans to give a shit about this place. PROFITS!

"There is stunning potential here," Gen. David H. Petraeus, commander of the United States Central Command, told the paper in a report published Monday. "There are a lot of ifs, of course, but I think potentially it is hugely significant."

Translation: This is huge! I can see a possible presidential nomination coming from this if I play it right.

Americans discovered nearly $1 trillion in untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan, including iron, copper, cobalt, gold and critical industrial metals like lithium, according to the report. The Times quoted a Pentagon memo as saying Afghanistan could become the "Saudi Arabia of lithium," a key raw material in the manufacture of batteries for laptops and cell phones.

Translation: We’ve discovered nearly $1T worth of fresh sh*t to exploit – almost 59% of our FY10 federal deficit! Now if these g*d damn third world dirt eaters would just calm down and play ball, we’ll make ‘em our bitches like the Saudis. Can the world ever have enough cell phones? Of course not - that was a rhetorical question.

During a visit last month to Washington, Afghan President Hamid Karzai said his nation's untapped mineral deposits could be even higher — perhaps as much as $3 trillion.

Translation: Since we’re making up numbers anyway, $3T sounds even better, don’t you think?

The mineral resources are a "massive opportunity," Karzai said at a May 13 event with Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton held at the U.S. Institute of Peace.

Translation: This may finally be our chance to legitimize this crooked bastard and make him play ball with us. We in the US believe that throwing massive amounts of money at any problem can corrupt … er … FIX, I meant FIX, any problem.

The report in the Times said the U.S. Geological Survey began aerial surveys of Afghanistan's mineral resources in 2006, using data that had been collected by Soviet mining experts during the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan in the 1980s. Promising results led to a more sophisticated study the next year.

Translation: The USGS was tasked with finding exploitable resources as soon as we invaded this god forsaken sh*t hole, both for the wealth we could steal from these stupid ass third world simpletons, as well as the political cover it would provide while we conduct what will essentially be a never ending war of occupation and exploitation.

Then last year, a Pentagon task force that had created business development programs in Iraq arrived in Afghanistan and closely analyzed the geologists' findings. U.S. mining experts were brought in to validate the survey's conclusions, and top U.S. and Afghan officials were briefed.

Translation: Private sector business interests were brought in and a private auction for mineral rights were conducted. Little does anyone know, but these poor motherf**kers have already been f**ked and they don’t even know it. It’s all over but the diggin’ now. We’ll leave that to them – for third world subsistence wages of course.

Waheed Omar, Karzai's spokesman, said at a news conference Monday that the USGS was "contracted by the Afghan government to do a survey, so this is basically an Afghan government initiative."

Translation: I’ve been paid to lie about this to give cover to the U.S. Fortunately, the payout was very generous.

"I think it's very, very big news for the people of Afghanistan and that we hope will bring the Afghan people together for a cause that will benefit everyone," he said. "This is an economic interest that will benefit all Afghans and will benefit Afghanistan in the long run."

Translation: This will provide a modicum of legitimacy for the corrupt Afghanistan government, which will hopefully last long enough for us to abscond with the profits after the US imperialists move on to greener money pits.

So far, the biggest mineral deposits discovered are of iron and copper, but finds include large deposits of niobium, a soft metal used in producing superconducting steel, as well as rare earth elements and large gold deposits in Pashtun areas of southern Afghanistan, the report said.

Translation: We’ve got all kinds of sh*t for sale, but keep your hands off the gold; the world banking cartel’s already got that spoken for.

Charles Kernot, a mining analyst with Evolution Securities Ltd. in London, said it typically takes three to five years to get a lithium mining operation up and running. Factors include how close the deposit is to power sources and other infrastructure and the size of the deposit.

Translation: Exploiting this sh*t is dependent on how soon we can subdue these renegade bastards. Every effort will be made to bribe, or otherwise corrupt them, if the standard shooting and bombing don’t yield timely results.

And large lithium deposits may not mean an automatic windfall — given competition and the uncertainty of the market.

Translation: We reserve the right – indeed, we have every intention - to f**k these ignorant hicks out of the profits from what we take out of here. Hey, the game's called CAPITALISM BITCHES!

"Bolivia wants to expand its lithium mining operations dramatically over the next few years so there is a risk of oversupply if demand from electric cars does not meet expectations," Kernot said.

Translation: We’re already in the process of f**king over Bolivia, but they’re as good of an excuse as any to use here as well.

Ghazni Province, where the lithium deposits are reported to be, is a dangerous place, home to many Taliban.

Translation: This is just another excuse to keep the profits. We’ll carpet bomb the f**king Taliban. It makes the mineral extraction easier anyway.

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